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HeartbeatMy heart beats it stutters, then beats again. Faster this time, though, because of the way you hurt me. Beats faster because of the anger and the pain.
Beat b be beat ..beat.beat.
Pieces of me are falling away; I can't make them stay in place anymore. You chisel away more of my heart with every lie,
Every justification you make for your actions,
Every time you hide something from me,
And I wonder how many more hits I can take. How many more times I can be talked out of leaving.
One more day, week, month, year? Jesus you tie me in knots.
Every time, its baby I'll do better. And today it was I don't want to hurt you anymore. Then why are you?
Why must we do this over and over again?
Why do I have to cry to get your attention?
Why can't you tell me how you're feeling?
B be beat.
This won't be easy. I won't make it easy.
I'm worth more than this, worth more than the way you've skated by through these yea
I Miss YouI'll ignore you and pretend you dont exist
until you come back to me
until your drugs wear off
and you look at me soberly
and while i may seem so cold
its easier to just ignore you and carry through
cause i deserve more
than just an empty shell of you
i hate that you check out
i hate that you slur your words
i hate that you dont care how i feel about it
because you so like the blur
i understand about taking the edge off
trust me, i really do
but you have so much youre missing
and i, i just miss you
im tired of repeating myself
at least twice with every word i say
im tired of thinking i'll just do it myself
cause its easier and faster that way
i hate to keep asking
because you dont ever listen
youre wasting money and wasting away
youre sort of just existing
RumBottle to the lips
your convictions are stronger now
now that you can taste it
and in it you can drown
another shot for the tears
so that everything goes numb
so i can stop hating
so i can stop feeling dumb
i want to drown out this life
so i can stop hating me
so i can stop hating you
so i can stop...and just be
no more tears, no more pain
i dont have to care
and even when i fall
no one will have to be there
so drink it up, enjoy
the taste gets better as you go
one more shot, one more taste
down & down you'll go
You Made MeI'm only paranoid because you make me..
cause you take me, break me, and hate me.
I'm only here cause you brought me...
cause you caught me, fought me, & taught me.
I'm only around cause you like it...
that I fight it, & that I cant right it.
I only speak when you try to "get" me...
when you bet me, let me, & then forget me.
I only breathe cause you're waiting...
cause you're watching, wishing, paying.
I'll only leave cause you've decided its not worth trying...
not worth lying, crying, or slowly dying.
And I'll only remember because you changed me...
cause of the violence, and the love, cause you made me...
Im waiting for the things that you promised
Waiting for the words to ring true
Waiting for you to see your responsibility
For you to comprehend and come through
I keep hoping you'll see how im feeling
Keep trying to think that you'll change
And sometimes you acknowledge the problems
but its never corrected, its always the same
And i'm feeling so angry and crazy
I hate how you have that control
Im still waiting, watching, loving
Still filled with such false hope.
Breaking Freei'm screaming inside
...from trying to hide and break free
all at the same time
i'm screaming inside
...from feeling so alive and afraid
all at the same time
i'm trying to break free
of my self-made chains
but its harder than it seems
i wasnt prepared for the pains
and i'm trying to break free
cause i know its a better world
but i've been so broken and afraid
still feel like that little girl
i'm so afraid of what i'm feeling
though its amazing in itself
so afraid but liberated
from this self-made hell
and i'm not sure that i want this
even though it feels so right
i dont know why i'm fighting
but i wont give up the fight
Secretssecrets...so many secrets here
so many things held in check
i wont shed a single tear
secrets...so many left unsaid
things i cant bring myself to tell you
places i was willingly led
secrets...that would hurt you about me
the scars that lie inside
the craving to feel, the need
secrets...that you've heard but dont believe
the ones i turn around to lies
so as to spare you the grief
secrets...that showed the hope lost long ago
looking to see if i'm still here
things i'd never show
secrets...i've got thousands left
things i've yet to tell you
but im afraid i'll run out of breath.
Failuredont you think i remember?
dont you think i recall?
when you were there, breaking
and i just let the pieces fall?
dont you think that i felt it?
dont you think that i saw you cry?
when you were there, bleeding
and i turned my back, i lied.
dont you think that it hurt me?
dont you think that i died?
when you were there, hurting
and i just tried to hide.
dont you think that it hurt?
dont you think that i know?
when you were there, drowning
and i just let you go.
dont you think that i remember?
dont you think that i regret?
when you were dying there
and i turned away, i left.
dont you think i loved you?
dont you think i cared?
when you were being broken down
and to move i was too scared.
Dont you think i recall?
dont you thinnk i understand?
when you were there, falling
and i wouldnt help you stand/
Fairthey told me it would be ok...and that they wouldnt care...but they lied to my face...for they all stopped and stared...some part of me said to run...but my pride took over and i stayed...some little part of me was scared...but i made that voice fade...someone started laughing...and i felt my face turn red...inside i was bleeding...from the cuts from the words they said...no one always speaks truth...no one never lies..and then they see you as having weakness...if you break down and cry...the most lonely i ever felt...was in that crowded room...where i could identify with no one...it felt like a crowded tomb...where everyone's there but no ones alive...where they're all living...but they've all died inside...and theyre bringing me down with them...they want what the no longer have...a soul, their own personality...they want the things they lack...and the lonliness just grows greater...the emptiness creates a bigger hole...adn the people i surround myself with...their hearts are just so
.just try not to
that memory, that one
wolf that calls
for the rest
of the pack;
you'll spend all
with them inside
.some people are dead
long before they die -
there's just no burial
for the spirit
gossamer loveyou will love a woman
who uses the word
too often. she will
diagnose dead artists' descents
into madness and laugh
too loudly at jokes
no one understands.
she will braid crowns of
flowers, she will write poems
in constellations, she will
try to walk like a dancer so
no one can hear her
leave. she will be
an ice sculpture, and when
she cries, you'll convince yourself
she's melting, she loves you, you've
changed her, you've
changed; she will wear you
like a comma, like
an incomplete thought,
in her story, and
she will leave you wondering
crooked kissesAn old man sits at a bus stop,
his ragged clothes soaked
through to his creaky bones.
He grips his beggars cup
tightly, but instead of coins it
overflows with rain water.
Passersby pass by without
giving a second glance, brief
cases clenched in swinging
hands, Bluetooth plugged into
their ears. A little girl dressed
in pink polka dots prances
to his side. Her mouth moves
quickly and his takes time to
form words. She giggles,
drops coins into his cup, and
gives him a kiss on the cheek.
He laughs a crooked grin.
CatatoniaShe scrawls life line tallies on her wrists in scars
to mark each year passed
and haunts bars looking for the love of strangers.
she finds malt whiskey and vermouth; strange mouths to kiss
she tips them back the way a lover might tip her chinny chin
She whispers slurs and looks into the abyss of gin.
He inhales death with the smoky kisses of cigarettes
injects life paraphrasing echoes of love with hypodermics to keep
the hypothermia of loneliness back
but it creeps and creeps
a slow paralysis
under the windowsill, rain falling bleak on the pane to drip
into her veins
soft dark over the threshold of the doorway to her soul
writing ink into her shadow, there -
melting behind the lidded stupor stare of dreamless minds
it stirs and wakes,
invisible monsters sleeping in her chest
they bare their teeth and bleed
pain naked in the light of morning
ugly and beautiful in the honesty of strangers unable to turn
from a car crash in the dusk.
walking in darkness
searching for touch.
To the one I forget to loveSunshine girl,
your feet are itchy for the miles
between your sighs
and hunger scratches
at your throat
but you have a smile
that swallows oceans
and your heart
into the Marinia Trench.
this heaviness in you
is a dandelion
coming home to rest
Cigarrete Smokesometimes you want to
kill the world inside you,
but you can't
because you're too worried
because you can't see the consequences
because you don't like modifications
because you can't make up
well you're excused,
excused from giving a damn,
for the cigarette lighter
(I'm too tired to stomp out the ashes
and blow the smoke away).
A Daughter Now BegottenIf reason could challenge the knowledge of infinity,
the blindness of justice;
should we not call ourselves Gods...
And Gods are we not, for if justice were truly blind,
it would hold the same fate for rich and poor alike...
Under the celestial heaven that shines above,
the beggar's crying face and the rich man's arrogant gaze...
So of The Creation we are, living in throngs of solitudes....
Each solitude made torturous by the lust for more money,
yet eased by the kindness of strangers and the love of God...
Which power of change is made,
unto glory from a prisoner down trod,
to a man of faith, who helped a dying woman in need till loving eclipse.
A daughter now begotten, of starry eyes and golden sun ray locks...
Cherished by God and adored by both parents,
though mother soon to be with the Creator Almighty,
this daughter grows up knowing the brittleness of mortality...
...As her lips of red rose blossoms,
her heart aches as the mourning moon that hides behind the bosom of clouds...
just a liethe fear is pouring out my
cant cry because of the
up the entire world with
you for everything you
something will you? cant
the world would keep on
into what you wanted it to
something other than what you
they serious. you care about
where you were. where you
eyes that were blind to
said you werent
of the stories, you
breathe, cant see,
on a line, from me, for you.
Keep in Touch!
Lilyas has dedicated herself to making our community a brighter place with her vibrant artwork and infectious enthusiasm for interacting with others in our community. It has certainly paid off, as many deviants flock to her page on a daily basis to let her know how much of an inspiration she is. We absolutely agree, and couldn't let all that hard work go without recognition, so it's with great pride that we bestow the Deviousness Award for March 2014, to ... Read More