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HeartbeatMy heart beats it stutters, then beats again. Faster this time, though, because of the way you hurt me. Beats faster because of the anger and the pain.
Beat b be beat ..beat.beat.
Pieces of me are falling away; I can't make them stay in place anymore. You chisel away more of my heart with every lie,
Every justification you make for your actions,
Every time you hide something from me,
And I wonder how many more hits I can take. How many more times I can be talked out of leaving.
One more day, week, month, year? Jesus you tie me in knots.
Every time, its baby I'll do better. And today it was I don't want to hurt you anymore. Then why are you?
Why must we do this over and over again?
Why do I have to cry to get your attention?
Why can't you tell me how you're feeling?
B be beat.
This won't be easy. I won't make it easy.
I'm worth more than this, worth more than the way you've skated by through these yea
I Miss YouI'll ignore you and pretend you dont exist
until you come back to me
until your drugs wear off
and you look at me soberly
and while i may seem so cold
its easier to just ignore you and carry through
cause i deserve more
than just an empty shell of you
i hate that you check out
i hate that you slur your words
i hate that you dont care how i feel about it
because you so like the blur
i understand about taking the edge off
trust me, i really do
but you have so much youre missing
and i, i just miss you
im tired of repeating myself
at least twice with every word i say
im tired of thinking i'll just do it myself
cause its easier and faster that way
i hate to keep asking
because you dont ever listen
youre wasting money and wasting away
youre sort of just existing
RumBottle to the lips
your convictions are stronger now
now that you can taste it
and in it you can drown
another shot for the tears
so that everything goes numb
so i can stop hating
so i can stop feeling dumb
i want to drown out this life
so i can stop hating me
so i can stop hating you
so i can stop...and just be
no more tears, no more pain
i dont have to care
and even when i fall
no one will have to be there
so drink it up, enjoy
the taste gets better as you go
one more shot, one more taste
down & down you'll go
You Made MeI'm only paranoid because you make me..
cause you take me, break me, and hate me.
I'm only here cause you brought me...
cause you caught me, fought me, & taught me.
I'm only around cause you like it...
that I fight it, & that I cant right it.
I only speak when you try to "get" me...
when you bet me, let me, & then forget me.
I only breathe cause you're waiting...
cause you're watching, wishing, paying.
I'll only leave cause you've decided its not worth trying...
not worth lying, crying, or slowly dying.
And I'll only remember because you changed me...
cause of the violence, and the love, cause you made me...
Im waiting for the things that you promised
Waiting for the words to ring true
Waiting for you to see your responsibility
For you to comprehend and come through
I keep hoping you'll see how im feeling
Keep trying to think that you'll change
And sometimes you acknowledge the problems
but its never corrected, its always the same
And i'm feeling so angry and crazy
I hate how you have that control
Im still waiting, watching, loving
Still filled with such false hope.
Breaking Freei'm screaming inside
...from trying to hide and break free
all at the same time
i'm screaming inside
...from feeling so alive and afraid
all at the same time
i'm trying to break free
of my self-made chains
but its harder than it seems
i wasnt prepared for the pains
and i'm trying to break free
cause i know its a better world
but i've been so broken and afraid
still feel like that little girl
i'm so afraid of what i'm feeling
though its amazing in itself
so afraid but liberated
from this self-made hell
and i'm not sure that i want this
even though it feels so right
i dont know why i'm fighting
but i wont give up the fight
Secretssecrets...so many secrets here
so many things held in check
i wont shed a single tear
secrets...so many left unsaid
things i cant bring myself to tell you
places i was willingly led
secrets...that would hurt you about me
the scars that lie inside
the craving to feel, the need
secrets...that you've heard but dont believe
the ones i turn around to lies
so as to spare you the grief
secrets...that showed the hope lost long ago
looking to see if i'm still here
things i'd never show
secrets...i've got thousands left
things i've yet to tell you
but im afraid i'll run out of breath.
Failuredont you think i remember?
dont you think i recall?
when you were there, breaking
and i just let the pieces fall?
dont you think that i felt it?
dont you think that i saw you cry?
when you were there, bleeding
and i turned my back, i lied.
dont you think that it hurt me?
dont you think that i died?
when you were there, hurting
and i just tried to hide.
dont you think that it hurt?
dont you think that i know?
when you were there, drowning
and i just let you go.
dont you think that i remember?
dont you think that i regret?
when you were dying there
and i turned away, i left.
dont you think i loved you?
dont you think i cared?
when you were being broken down
and to move i was too scared.
Dont you think i recall?
dont you thinnk i understand?
when you were there, falling
and i wouldnt help you stand/
Fairthey told me it would be ok...and that they wouldnt care...but they lied to my face...for they all stopped and stared...some part of me said to run...but my pride took over and i stayed...some little part of me was scared...but i made that voice fade...someone started laughing...and i felt my face turn red...inside i was bleeding...from the cuts from the words they said...no one always speaks truth...no one never lies..and then they see you as having weakness...if you break down and cry...the most lonely i ever felt...was in that crowded room...where i could identify with no one...it felt like a crowded tomb...where everyone's there but no ones alive...where they're all living...but they've all died inside...and theyre bringing me down with them...they want what the no longer have...a soul, their own personality...they want the things they lack...and the lonliness just grows greater...the emptiness creates a bigger hole...adn the people i surround myself with...their hearts are just so
woman with the burnt-out lungsCigarette-flushed face,
you never bothered trying to quit for your kids, though you were one when you started.
It wasn't real until the Big C knocked.
Once burned, twice shy,
your cousins remembered another family member, pixie-cut hair she once permed so proudly,
double-crossed and dying in a cold bleached bed.
Woman with the choked-down laugh,
we didn't want to believe it was cancer, chemotherapy, hospital, beloved, eulogy, grief,
when your daughter can't even spell the words yet.
It's all we can do to hope you hold faith like your aunt didn't, that you will end
your days knowing God. There's nothing else now but drugs and one last bout of misery.
Say goodbye to your children, Pam, and know you are loved.
To My Best Friends' ChildTo My Best Friends' Child
I miss you more than I thought I could miss
someone I met only as a swift, sharp kick
I miss your unheard cries, your unwiped shit,
the way you never gripped my thumb in your tiny fist
I held your mother for an hour last night
as she shook with wordless, tearless cries
while my husband talked down your dad outside
even your dogs hid under the bed and whined
you had a great set of gay uncles in us
to babysit when your folks needed a little fun
and later, drop you off and pick you up
and much later, teach you drinking without getting drunk
and you were going to teach us too
if we were ready to adopt a friend for you
instead, you taught us too much, too soon
about how much we didn't know we had to lose
Waltz with me a gentle rhyme
Meet me under the moonlight
Where the wind blows backwards
Time will never end
A ghost boat around the skyline bend
And a vampire’s kiss
The blood of a rose
And the song of the abyss
Where the wind blows backwards
That’s where you and me
My child take thee
And earn a window pain
A wolf howl on the biting rain
Until I can take your hand
And we can dance the final death
In your arms
We don't touch eachotherMy family lives in a cutlery set
from the eighteenth century,
each spoon and fork is segregated
by red velvet notches;
we do not touch each other.
I will flinch every time you
hold onto me for longer
than four seconds.
I am uncomfortable on couches
because I was raised to keep
my elbows to myself.
I attempt to accept touch as a gift,
but it feels as if someone
is handing me a bomb,
I can't help becoming tense,
waiting for the explosion.
You're too bony.
I can't deny the facts.
My fingers are icicles that never melt.
My bones are weapons that grow sharper.
There are few humans and felines
that can stand to be near me.
There are few humans and felines
that I can stand to be near.
It will take me years of rehearsing
for my body to feel as if you're
an extension of itself.
If you're patient,
The NoisesTick tick tick tick
Tick tock tick tock
Pound pound pound pound
Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!
It's dreadful, oh how dreadful
This unbearable noise is.
It just ticks on and on
Making my head pound.
Tap tap tap tap
Drip drop drip drop
Ding ding ding ding
My mind is trapped, I am trapped...
The voices, oh, the voices!
Such boisterous voices!
They get louder and louder
'Til I cant hear the world.
Hey hey HEY HEY
Sing song sing song
TALK TALK TALK TALK
Oh, shut up! SHUT UP!
I Wish I Could Have Taken You ThereI wish I could have taken you to Neverland
So you would never have had to see the bad
The war that goes on within your fairytale castle
Fight pirates instead of your own family
Dance with the fairies till the world turned dizzy
Leave the grown ups and growing up behind
Play with wooden swords and learn how to fly
Live with Peter and the Lost Boys band
Hear stories like the Croc and Captain Hook's hand
Never listen to parents fight or 'you cant's again
I wish I could have taken you to Neverland
Phases in GriefDenial
They wouldn't do this to me.
There must be a reason.
I'm camouflaged in bruises,
from head to toe for a lost reason.
Cut my blood open,
and show them what it feels like;
to feel my pain.
It doesn't show itself,
but I know it's there.
I'll give it all for this to stop.
I'll give it all for a second chance
at my past.
Give it all for different blood.
Make it stop.
I slowly build oceans;
by my eyes.
Cover it all up with a few laughs.
Not telling anyone my story.
I accept my future, my fate.
But deep down, the past scars still show.
I'm treated like this but later,
I'll be alone without blood.
I roam my house and all I see is division, hatred, evil, and broken. It is worst as I look at my grandparents home, divided by all and disowning of the eldest.
I wish at times how I would want to see my mother, able to walk the same ground as my grandmother, aunt, and younger sister.
Hated is all I see, blood is spilt on to those who don't care, and hearts die as they are changed.
Two-faced and judgement roll off the tongue naturally toward those who are dead to them. I stay quiet as I hear such things toward one another.
Many times I would like to say 'that the things you say are what we learn. And when we grow older, we will hate our eldest child for one thing. Soon they'll be dead to us.'
I would also say, 'What you're telling us is that we must love our siblings, since that's all we got, but you don't do the same?'
My aunt would reply, 'We are adults, that's different.'
But in reality it's not, . . .
It's being a person who doesn't do as they tell others.
And I hope ka
StrengthThere she lays silently in her room
her radio turned on to low
The faint sound now echoes within her four walls.
Shadows that surround her every move
Alas she is afraid, scared, frightened
She does not fear the shadows
She fears what is to happen next.
Fear that will soon devour her soul
The fear that gives it life
The possibilities that flourish her mind.
All the possibilities...
Those she hopes to avoid..
she hopes to ignore
she hopes will soon disappear
Trying to ignore what she hears in the next room over
the loudness escalating, the adrenaline burning
The fury, the power of deceit
The thudding of their hearts beating
That once beat as one, now only to be a memory
The constant thudding between her ears
The scent of the blood boiling
She pulls the wool covers over her head
The childhood memory
The feeling of safety
Expecting the warmth and comfort
that is then replaced with the coldness
The chills of what is to arise,
what is to come,
what the future holds
Attempting to block out al
condescending ..i hate the way you say that. its that exact tone where you make me feel like im less than what i should be,
less than you expected.
i feel like we've walked this road before, and repaved it.
but the ruts, bumps, and pot holes are returning, because we've forgotten.
i hate the way you look when you say that.
like i'm maybe a step up from vermin, that i dont deserve to...i dont know, breathe.
i hate the way you act like youre my best friend and want to know what i have to say, all the while judging me. and you wonder why im never around.
o scratch that, you dont wonder, nor do you fully care. all you need to know is whether or not to leave the door open or shut me out again.
to protect yourself, so you think.
we've been here before, sought out help to repave this road, to fill in this hole.
you always wanted this, you convey that with your eyes. telling me that this is what i asked for. when really you never prepared me.
i'll never forget. step up to the plate, grow up. where were you?
Twenty-three years before the crippling of Crown Prince James III
He was fourteen and she was probably aged about the same, give or take a few years. It had been an hour since he'd met her.
He hated her already.
She scowled behind him and likely shared the sentiment as they scampered up the hillside in a desperate attempt to escape the roaring mob that seemed to be growing perpetually larger and coming ever-closer. Gabriel would have liked to say that it was all her fault he was in this situation, though it was his careless nicking ofwhat was it? A chicken that started the first old woman running, but how was he supposed to know that she'd stumble and fall and everyone else would think he'd assaulted her?
He hadn't. He'd taken the chicken, snapped its neck and run, because he hadn't eaten meat in weeks and he was starting to feel the affects on his already weak limbs.
This is what happens, he thought. This is what happens when you live like th
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^Nyx-Valentine arrived in our community and started whipping everyone into a frenzy with her relentless desire to bring the Artistic Nude and Fetish galleries to the fore. 9 years later, and it's safe to say that Nyx is not only a leader as a photographer in these galleries, but she has also established herself as a much saught after model. ^... Read More