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HeartbeatMy heart beats it stutters, then beats again. Faster this time, though, because of the way you hurt me. Beats faster because of the anger and the pain.
Beat b be beat ..beat.beat.
Pieces of me are falling away; I can't make them stay in place anymore. You chisel away more of my heart with every lie,
Every justification you make for your actions,
Every time you hide something from me,
And I wonder how many more hits I can take. How many more times I can be talked out of leaving.
One more day, week, month, year? Jesus you tie me in knots.
Every time, its baby I'll do better. And today it was I don't want to hurt you anymore. Then why are you?
Why must we do this over and over again?
Why do I have to cry to get your attention?
Why can't you tell me how you're feeling?
B be beat.
This won't be easy. I won't make it easy.
I'm worth more than this, worth more than the way you've skated by through these yea
I Miss YouI'll ignore you and pretend you dont exist
until you come back to me
until your drugs wear off
and you look at me soberly
and while i may seem so cold
its easier to just ignore you and carry through
cause i deserve more
than just an empty shell of you
i hate that you check out
i hate that you slur your words
i hate that you dont care how i feel about it
because you so like the blur
i understand about taking the edge off
trust me, i really do
but you have so much youre missing
and i, i just miss you
im tired of repeating myself
at least twice with every word i say
im tired of thinking i'll just do it myself
cause its easier and faster that way
i hate to keep asking
because you dont ever listen
youre wasting money and wasting away
youre sort of just existing
RumBottle to the lips
your convictions are stronger now
now that you can taste it
and in it you can drown
another shot for the tears
so that everything goes numb
so i can stop hating
so i can stop feeling dumb
i want to drown out this life
so i can stop hating me
so i can stop hating you
so i can stop...and just be
no more tears, no more pain
i dont have to care
and even when i fall
no one will have to be there
so drink it up, enjoy
the taste gets better as you go
one more shot, one more taste
down & down you'll go
You Made MeI'm only paranoid because you make me..
cause you take me, break me, and hate me.
I'm only here cause you brought me...
cause you caught me, fought me, & taught me.
I'm only around cause you like it...
that I fight it, & that I cant right it.
I only speak when you try to "get" me...
when you bet me, let me, & then forget me.
I only breathe cause you're waiting...
cause you're watching, wishing, paying.
I'll only leave cause you've decided its not worth trying...
not worth lying, crying, or slowly dying.
And I'll only remember because you changed me...
cause of the violence, and the love, cause you made me...
Im waiting for the things that you promised
Waiting for the words to ring true
Waiting for you to see your responsibility
For you to comprehend and come through
I keep hoping you'll see how im feeling
Keep trying to think that you'll change
And sometimes you acknowledge the problems
but its never corrected, its always the same
And i'm feeling so angry and crazy
I hate how you have that control
Im still waiting, watching, loving
Still filled with such false hope.
Secretssecrets...so many secrets here
so many things held in check
i wont shed a single tear
secrets...so many left unsaid
things i cant bring myself to tell you
places i was willingly led
secrets...that would hurt you about me
the scars that lie inside
the craving to feel, the need
secrets...that you've heard but dont believe
the ones i turn around to lies
so as to spare you the grief
secrets...that showed the hope lost long ago
looking to see if i'm still here
things i'd never show
secrets...i've got thousands left
things i've yet to tell you
but im afraid i'll run out of breath.
Failuredont you think i remember?
dont you think i recall?
when you were there, breaking
and i just let the pieces fall?
dont you think that i felt it?
dont you think that i saw you cry?
when you were there, bleeding
and i turned my back, i lied.
dont you think that it hurt me?
dont you think that i died?
when you were there, hurting
and i just tried to hide.
dont you think that it hurt?
dont you think that i know?
when you were there, drowning
and i just let you go.
dont you think that i remember?
dont you think that i regret?
when you were dying there
and i turned away, i left.
dont you think i loved you?
dont you think i cared?
when you were being broken down
and to move i was too scared.
Dont you think i recall?
dont you thinnk i understand?
when you were there, falling
and i wouldnt help you stand/
Fairthey told me it would be ok...and that they wouldnt care...but they lied to my face...for they all stopped and stared...some part of me said to run...but my pride took over and i stayed...some little part of me was scared...but i made that voice fade...someone started laughing...and i felt my face turn red...inside i was bleeding...from the cuts from the words they said...no one always speaks truth...no one never lies..and then they see you as having weakness...if you break down and cry...the most lonely i ever felt...was in that crowded room...where i could identify with no one...it felt like a crowded tomb...where everyone's there but no ones alive...where they're all living...but they've all died inside...and theyre bringing me down with them...they want what the no longer have...a soul, their own personality...they want the things they lack...and the lonliness just grows greater...the emptiness creates a bigger hole...adn the people i surround myself with...their hearts are just so
condescending ..i hate the way you say that. its that exact tone where you make me feel like im less than what i should be,
less than you expected.
i feel like we've walked this road before, and repaved it.
but the ruts, bumps, and pot holes are returning, because we've forgotten.
i hate the way you look when you say that.
like i'm maybe a step up from vermin, that i dont deserve to...i dont know, breathe.
i hate the way you act like youre my best friend and want to know what i have to say, all the while judging me. and you wonder why im never around.
o scratch that, you dont wonder, nor do you fully care. all you need to know is whether or not to leave the door open or shut me out again.
to protect yourself, so you think.
we've been here before, sought out help to repave this road, to fill in this hole.
you always wanted this, you convey that with your eyes. telling me that this is what i asked for. when really you never prepared me.
i'll never forget. step up to the plate, grow up. where were you?
You stopped believing in fariesTo the boy who never grew up
and parades around in suits,
Make a wish.
You created smiles dusted with magic
and embedded them in my mind.
Pick a place,
In a world within a world
where imagination infects like laughter.
Hold my hand.
We visit one more time
to remember the dreams that once were.
Return home soon
Thicker Than WaterYou lost your life, I wanted to take mine
You always took the easy way out
Sunny California soon became cold DC Winters
Rather send me across the states into mother embrace
Didn’t know then you’d done me a favor
Drugs led to mental descent
Murder was your problem solver
So many secrets I was afraid to expose
To salvage your tarnished history
But these skeletons have been screaming at me for too long
My closet cannot hold a dead man’s baggage no more
Liquor proved to be your undoing
As it was almost mines
Led by example, right?
Mind fooled into believing in forgiveness;
Even shedding tears for your soul
But the lies we tell ourselves always revealed
Even as you lay buried, I feel hatred, callous, pain, malice
Emotions make sense; your blood runs through me
We’re not so different after all.
FriendshipWhat is a friend?
The answer is simple:
A friend is a person from your heart.
A friend makes sure to keep you safe and never permanently harm you.
A friend may fight with you, but both your anger will turn into laughter soon after.
A friend puts a smile into your heavenless day.
A friend jokes around, may it be with stories, art, gibberish, or simply their aura.
A friend is protective and loyal-
if someone hurts you then they are nearly certain to to get on them with facts and persuasion.
A friend has pure empathy for you.
A true friend is to the end, which is never.
A true friend is immortal in spirit and will never leave.
A false friend will die immediately and turn to dust at your feet,
and if you let them,
they will poison you until your soul vanishes and nothing is left but darkness.
But the true friend is an incarnation of love,
forever and always.
in honor of ~Issy-kun
iMy mother gives away kisses
Like handfuls of halloween candy
Given to strangers in the hope
They don't trick her later
So now I don't know how
To keep my affections
Without giving myself away
Little by little each time
In the hopes I can pretend
I'm not tricking them now
My father buys me things
To fill a void
He helped create
It never seems to be filled
So he keeps stuffing it
In hopes both of us
Will feel less guilty at the end of the day
So now I don't know how to feel sad
And I take in selfishness
To fill a void I let open
In hopes I feel less guilty at the end of the day
HomophobiaThere was once a boy in sixth grade who came out as gay. He didn't paint his nails or do his hair different, or even dress different. He just told everyone who he was, how he was born. The next day another boy beat him until he passed out in the hall. When he woke up, all his money was gone and he had the word 'faggot' written on his forehead. Everyone looked at him and laughed, even his so called 'friends.' He went home and cried all night, until he cried himself to sleep. Acts like this repeated until every time someone came near him he shied away. The same boy committed all these acts, an was getting more and more popular by the second. The boy stopped coming to school, and the bully wondered where his victim had went. As he wondered, he wasn't paying attention. He ran right into someone, who automatically put something in the boy's pocket and hit him in the stomach. When he got back up, he held his stomach and pulled the thing the stranger had put in his pocket out. It was a note,
Beaten DownA large grin from ear to ear:
torn off my face.
Why must you beat me down,
do you thrive on my pain?
You must feel pretty damn strong then
but tell me,
do you enjoy
when your one love screams at you
calling you abusive?
Even more so,
I'm done with beating myself down
because of you.
When my last resort is wielding a knife;
I tear myself apart.
I don't want to threaten you
but you leave me no choice.
Although you're definitely not my father,
what kind of "guardian" are you?
Just who do you think you are?
Who is she?She pushes people away
for reasons not clear
Can it be
she likes to be alone
or is she scared
to be on her own
regardless of what her heart says
when she begins to think
she is filled with dread
always second guessing herself
wondering how to please the world
but who is this girl?
she can smile when need be
cry when she's had enough
even if its a single tear
but who is this girl?
obedient to the end
Breaking Freei'm screaming inside
...from trying to hide and break free
all at the same time
i'm screaming inside
...from feeling so alive and afraid
all at the same time
i'm trying to break free
of my self-made chains
but its harder than it seems
i wasnt prepared for the pains
and i'm trying to break free
cause i know its a better world
but i've been so broken and afraid
still feel like that little girl
i'm so afraid of what i'm feeling
though its amazing in itself
so afraid but liberated
from this self-made hell
and i'm not sure that i want this
even though it feels so right
i dont know why i'm fighting
but i wont give up the fight
Red Letter Day - Prologue
So here I am, writing.
I’m writing, I’m writing – just as you told me to.
I’m writing, I’m writing, I’m writing.
Have you ever noticed that when the sun goes down, this flat changes? It does. The walls are white during the day and lingering brown at night. During the day, I’m with you and the light from outside paints the walls that heavenly color. But when that sun goes down, the demons wake and I’m alone again, even though you’re just a room away.
Somehow it seems less threatening tonight, and I think it’s because you’ve given me an assignment to try and fight off the darkness. You gave me a stack of papers and a pen and told me to write everything that comes to mind.
It’s a strange feeling to have complete freedom. These empty pages are mine to do whatever I please – I could even wipe my ass with them – but they’re also terribly intimidating. The blank page has always been a nemesis of man. It&
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